Empowering our Children

Empowering children is not about pushing them along, it's about giving them the tools, intelligence, and confidence to make decisions, resolve disagreements, and become masters of their lives. Empowerment, which the NEPEM model illustrates, is one of the most vital parenting skills to bestow upon your child individual power. Empowered children are self-sufficient, strong, and wise decision-makers, all of which they will need to live a contented life. 

In our parent class, we learned that empowerment begins at home in the everyday interactions and choices. One of the most important points in the BYU-Idaho parenting guide is that empowerment is living in an environment where children are allowed to experiment, provide input, and be a part of family life in a positive way. This means providing youngsters with the autonomy to decide, but decisions will lead to mistakes because mistakes are a natural and essential component of learning.

A great way of doing this is to involve children in suitable-for-their-age chores. Whether a preschooler is helping with setting the table or a teen planning his or her own study timetable, having children take charge of significant tasks gives children a feeling of contribution and responsibility. By demonstrating belief in children's ability, children feel challenged to achieve the task. Deci and Ryan's Self-Determination Theory recognizes autonomy as one of the cross-culturally universal psychological needs for well-being and motivation. Enabling the children gives them the impression that they oversee their own lives, and this enhances motivation and self-confidence. 

In a world that often emphasizes achievement and perfection, it’s important for parents to shift the focus to effort, growth, and resilience. Praise should be specific and focused on effort (“You worked hard on that project!”) rather than fixed traits (“You’re so smart!”). This promotes a growth mindset, which Carol Dweck argues is essential for lifelong learning and success. Empowering parenting reinforces the idea that abilities can be developed through persistence and effort.

We also discussed empowerment within the class as listening to children's voices. If children are heard, children learn that what they believe and feel matters. It is especially important when adolescents are going to need to have some more independence while still being teenagers. Instead of responding in control or judgment, parents can ask with open-ended questions and guide in a manner that respects the child's growing autonomy.

Empowerment also involves teaching them how to troubleshoot. Rather than doing it for them, we can walk them through the process step by step: "What do you think you could do about that?" or "What are some other ways you could handle it?" This teaches children how to think and make good decisions. It also eliminates fear because they feel surer that they can do it.

The second most crucial element of empowerment is showing responsibility and confidence. Children are what they learn, and if children see parents being responsible for their actions and bouncing back after failures with heads held high, they learn the same. It is also beneficial if children hear parents acknowledging mistakes and telling what they have learned. Failure thus is not an enemy of success but an element.

Empowerment is not giving children a free pass to do what they want. Empowerment is balance between structure and freedom. Talking about the BYU-Idaho parenting manual, having expectations and providing structure is in effect so children will feel safe enough to attempt and learn. Limits, when given respectfully, empower by providing a healthy independent boundary that is safe.

Outside research supports this practice. In one Child Development study, kids whose parents are autonomy-supportive (parents who facilitate initiative and provide explanation for limits) are likely to have better emotional control, school success, and social competence. That is, facilitating children is not a question of keeping them happy, it accomplishes real, concrete success in a range of ways.

Empowerment is particularly required today as kids are faced with too much pressure and stress. If children are given inner strength, they can be more capable of handling peer pressure, pressures of school, and pressures of the future. They become independent adults and a positive force in society.

And lastly, empowering our children is believing in what they can do when they cannot see it themselves. It is taking time with them, walking with them, not ahead of them, nor behind them. We give them roots and wings: roots so they will know where they belong, and wings so that they can find out who they could be.

Citations: 

BYU-Idaho. (n.d.). Parenting: Raising children, building futures. https://content.byui.edu/file/4de04ca1-9da9-4b75-bfd2-1a87b913a12a/1/Parenting.pdf

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Grolnick, W. S., & Ryan, R. M. (1989). Parent styles associated with children’s self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 81(2), 143–154.